~~whine, cheese, and dracofic.

[reenka]

sometimes i really wonder about myself. well, the "deep things", you know, like whether i constantly sound like a chipmunk on crack (i know i do), and whether i'm really just deluding myself about actually -accomplishing- anything since all i ever do is procrastinate and then do things in bursts not because i -mean- to but because it just -comes- to be, the desire to do that particular thing at that particular moment. guilt doesn't suit me, and neither does the feeling like i -should- be doing this or that. i -should- feedback, i -should- do my homework, i -should- finish this story, they expect it of me, or -i- expect it of me, or really, what good am i if i -don't- do this or that or the other thing?

i have no discipline and this kind of erodes my confidence in myself. my only discipline is really me not being able to -stop- until i'm done. good thing i'm obsessive about some things. or not. sigh. i just realized. it was always like this. i always tried to bite off more than i could chew. i bought/took home from the library like, 5 times the amount that i ever -read-. i have loads of books i -mean- to read but don't get around to. i always jump on one thing, and then another thing, and even if i -mean- to do that -one- thing, unless it just so -happens- i'm in the middle of it and -boom- i do it, i may never do it. of course, with the book buying there's no actual guilt involved (though you'd think, i mean, $5-25 per book would mean more to me).

i still read -loads- of things. i just don't read everything i -try- to. i always go to the library and pick up everything that looks interesting. then i wade through it, skimming and seeing if i want to read it. then out of say, 15, i'm left with 5. out of those five, i may read 2 or 3 and then i look longingly at even -more- books as i'm leaving, because, you know, they may have a flashy cover and suddenly i realize that i can never get enough. there's always more to read, more to write, more more more. i can never keep up with myself and my ideas always bubbling and my desires always shifting non-stop. i still -want- the things i used to want and i still -mean- to do the things i -used- to mean to do so it just -adds up- and then i get overwhelmed and i wind up doing very little.

i even pick groceries this way. i get anything that caught my eye and stop when i get to a certain dollar amount. with reading, i read anything that catches my eye, and stop when i'm falling off the chair tired. i -do- feedback -if- i've read it and i know you or you knocked my socks off, so if i haven't it's because i simply haven't gotten to it or something interrupted me in the middle (like the computer lab closed) and i -meant- to but then there are a million other things i meant to do....
    it's just. i feel like i both skim too much and try to say too much and don't say enough. i babble and babble and babble but what do i really -say-? it seems that if i do say anything meaningful it's likely to be by accident, simply because i say so -much-. i mean, all of this is always off the top of my head completely. i don't edit myself or think about what i'm trying to say or have any sort of plan. i -try- to have a plan (like, as simple as, "i plan to do such and such and read such and such and say such and such" but it's -very- hard to not deviate and add and subtract and just do something else altogether like sleep).

it's always in the moment, and the buffer where i keep my longer-term to-do list doesn't necessarily interact with the immediate buffer of what's right there right now, asking for attention this minute, which is what i'm likely to actually pursue. i can see why people stop reading anything but a very narrow list of authors/fics and give up following wip's almost entirely. this is just really, really too much. i'm really disorganized by nature, and i'd need some sort of secretary in my head to really get to everything at this point. and yet, no one says i -have- to, i just -want- to. sigh. plus, i try to go to class, work, homework, write fic, actually notice where i'm walking and not forget to eat, and stuff. that's why i started hp_fictrack. i thought i could just keep things organized with the wip's at least.

erk. this was a lot more whining than i usually indulge in. gack. well, er. yah. so much for false hyperness. sigh. *hits head against desk slowly* dammit all, i'll just write fic. ha! and if i don't get to everything, well. no one really cares, do they. okay. right then. okay.
~~

in less whiny news, ethrosdemon wrote hp again!! draco pov! oh, the evil genius strikes again. twice in one day, even.

and, quire wrote more h/d!! which, i realize isn't so much of a rec as a squee, but you know, i tell it like it is. yah, that's it. also, i adore dorkiness, and any fic that uses "noseprints" in a sentence. that is the way to my heart, indeed it is. i think there's really a some sort of immature urge to see people acting clueless and yet adorable that should've been cured by a lot of anime when i was 16 or so. you'd think you could drink your fill, or something. you'd think you get over it, and realize that "real people" don't act like that, and life is just never that adorable, and you really need to wise up, because if you don't watch out, a car is going to just, run over you while you squee over how adorable clueless those two guys snarking at each other and making puppy-dog eyes are. really now. how disgusting, right? i think this is really the insane-shoujo-comedy version of h/d, and, completely apart from whether it makes sense for these for these characters in particular, i adore. i adore, adore, adore.
    (just read `not another harry/draco slash 'fic'. yes. this is what i'm talkin' 'bout, baby. yes. meta!silliness is almost as good as porn. i said almost! anyway, zoisite84 is my new discovery for today. mmmmm, ez-cheez. also, is it me or is beauty & the beast!hpfic not adorable? well, that and the singing. and him referring to himself as prince charming. hee! oh, i'm so easy.)

maybe that's why i'm starting to seriously dislike ice-prince!draco and self-possessed!draco and so-cool-it-hurts!draco. i mean, there ain't no way to make that adorable, now is there. i mean, i can go ahead and tell you that's not canonical, and how draco is a little diva who only hides things because he doesn't realize them himself, but... it's just not going to sink in unless you already believe it. like, just as in the latest chapter of `underwater light', where harry says that draco couldn't be "the spy" because he'd suck major arse at lying (except he didn't say it like that). it's true, it's true. draco may not realize it, but he only hides things by over-acting. i can see him playing it up, and going overboard so that the more quiet emotions get lost, but i don't see him actually controlling himself. if he's icy? he just -is- icy, he's not pretending to be icy. that's why maya's seemingly contradictory portrayal works. because it's not that he's -acting- like an ice-queen-- he really -is- kind of schizoid like that, and i can totally dig that.


it never actually occurred to me to write self-possessed!draco. i wrote angsty-and-mean!draco and i wrote distant-and-mocking!draco, but i think he really -felt- those things. and the funny thing is? i adore self-possession in a character. i think it's majorly sexy and i had a huge love-on for spock for -years- (and then there's dream and sherlock holmes and elric and snape and a huge horde of others, down to hayama in `kodomo no omocha'). they're sexy beasts, the self-possessed ones. but. i have a love-on for the insane crazy ones that wear their hearts on their sleeve, too (spike, andrew, tasuki, harry & draco [in different ways], kyou, delirium, and again, another insane horde).

in eddy's ficlet, i suppose draco may seem a tidbit more self-possessed, but i think there's a major difference there, in that he's more, sarcastic and less earnest and sincere, sort of. i mean, i'd agree that draco isn't as sincere as harry. but is lack of earnestness the same thing as self-possession? i think that's where people make the characterization error. you could lie and yet not have control over yourself. conversely, you could even be -earnest- and -sincere- and yet still be able to lie and have control over yourself. people are weird. it's obvious that harry can, in fact, lie and withold information. it's probably also obvious that draco too, can lie and withold information. yet harry is earnest and draco... well... i think draco really does believe a lot of the things he says, even if they're "lies" in a larger sense of the word.

so in a way, i do think he's sincere. i mean, if you think about it in terms of, but is that really really true, i suppose, no. at least, if you assume there is greater depth to his character than what he shows. but i think saying he's -lying- or intentionally holding things back is really giving him way too much credit, and overall changing his personality in the bargain. (well, what personality you can surmise from the little of him that's shown.)

i think saying that draco is fully in control of the face he shows to the world is really kind of taking a horrid shortcut to get to some sort of "deeper truer draco" isn't it? i mean, if you say that "this" is just a mask, you're free to invent almost anything underneath that mask-- anything you want. or you open yourself to making him into snape the second, where he has that sexy attribute of -control- and dominance-- he could dominate harry, overwhelm him, make harry weak in the knees, make harry suddenly renounce his former ironclad antipathy and resistance towards him.

i don't think harry is dominant either-- i've never seen him seize the opportunity for control-- he doesn't seek to capitalize on his fame, and he -could-. he doesn't seek to make anyone do what he wants because he's "the boy who lived", unless he has absolutely no other choice. he doesn't even ask for help if he can do it himself. i don't think it's because he's not a leader, or not -able- to be dominant-- i just think he doesn't -want- to be, chooses not to be, i don't think he -likes- it. i think that's what makes him such a hero, a good person-- he doesn't seem to want power. that's why people gravitate to him, other than the given fame-- a good leader doesn't try to lead, doesn't have to exert his will over people in order to get them to do what he wants-- he lets their natural inclination to please him and be nice to him do the job. they think they're doing what -they- want, and its merely his presence which gets things to go his way.

so in a relationship between harry and draco, i would really hope there'd be a balance, an equality, if it was something i could get behind and believe in and feel was positive. that's why i love the fics where they switch sexually, and where in general, there's a sense of equality in their competition. it's not a question of whether draco is as good as harry (whether draco can also catch the snitch, whether he can also have super-cool luck and/or powers, whether draco can also save the day or save harry), but rather a question of draco being able to just, be himself, because in the end -that's- what harry is "good at". harry is simply content to be who he is, whatever that is, and i think harry would respect that about draco-- if draco were to actually assert himself apart from his father and his name and his house and his beliefs, all of which give him identity. i think harry is independent, and he'd need draco to be independent too.

but independence isn't about one-upmanship or equality of skill. it's simply about being who you are, and not needing anyone to make you feel good about that or to approve. harry's -had- to learn that, because in his formative years people -didn't- approve and didn't support him in any way, so if he was to retain his self-esteem to any degree whatsoever, he had to become entirely self-sufficient. so i think in this way, stories of harry "snapping" and becoming all violently dominant or entirely submissive and weepy ring equally false.

and i realize you can be submissive sexually without being "really" submissive. and i don't know what the relationship of that sort of behavior is to being more aggressive and controlling vs actually mild-mannered and meek vs being independent and stubborn is, in real life. i would guess (based purely on personal evidence, ie myself), that stubborn, independent people are independent in all aspects. they don't need a "break" or a place where they "let go", because they are simply themselves, all the time. i'm not being all snooty about this and saying i'm myself all the time... but, i'm never consciously not myself, simply because i -can't- be. i can't be anything else. i don't think harry can be anything but harry, either.

something tells me that in the end, draco can't be anything but draco (or at least this is what i hope). so if he realized that this whole over-association with his house and name and whatnot was crimping his style, and no longer fit him (for whatever reason), i don't think he'd be able to keep up some sort of charade. that is probably the very basis of my interest in draco, besides me thinking he's a cute brat. i think i can see draco being flippant, of discarding things, of changing his mind if he had incentive and not feeling wobbly about it. he's just as stubborn and clingy to his beliefs (whatever their nature and source) as harry. if he changed his mind, he'd change his life. not because he's brave, or "good", or particularly moral or any of that. just because he is who he is at any given moment. at least, that's my current theory~:)
~~

also. silviakundera cracks me up.

and, then there are the pics of johnny depp and orlando bloom in the pirate movie this summer!! (*swoooon*) i had such a crush on johnny when i was 13-14 or so. he was dreeeeamy on 21 jump street (i know! i know! shut. up.! hmf). anyway. as a pirate... well.... he is simply perfect. and orlando looks so smug. and they both look so wicked. and, unless some you aren't sure, wicked is my all-time-favorite expression for someone to have. mmmmr, wickedness. well the laughing kind. the quirky grin as someone divests you of all your jewels and strips you of your heart, then leaves. yes please.