~~silly drabble & silly feedback

[reenka]

    
*laughs and laughs*
oh... oh...... see... i -knew- i shouldn't have shown it to anybody, but well... i thought no one would read it, and the html-izing seemed useful. anyway, my aborted "epic", my very first hp fanfic -ever-, my former baby, got this review:

You ought to work on your characterisation. I'm sorry to say it's quite off. Have you even read the books? You must have if you're writing HP fanfiction, but it would be a good idea if you were to read the books one more time. Or even two or three more times. . .

ahahahahah!!
hee. i must have, it's true. i really must have. *giggles*
that fic should really be a huge embarrassment to me, shouldn't it? ha. although, who's to say i've ever done better? but yah. yah. i wrote obsessive!angsty!deep!draco. it was v. v. sad ><;;
~~
    

disclaimer: jkr broke my heart. not mine, baby, not mine.

warning: i -will- rot your brain.

a/n: this is for regret, because well, the other thing i promised her is kind of uncooperative.


Loving you broke my heart. But I knew it would-- I knew it did, because it always has, from the moment I saw you, and I didn't know what love was, or what one was supposed to do with it, or whether this was merely an aberration, and it would pass with a cup of warm milk and a good night's sleep. And then it didn't, and you just got more painful and bright and perfect, living out every ideal I never knew I had.

And I never had the words for it, even though I tried to tell you, I just couldn't. One look at you and I felt my stomach try to knot itself several times over, and my heart was leaping out of my throat, and of course I couldn't say anything. And then she came to me and said, "Don't you see?" And I didn't.

She said, "I'll show you," and she did. My heart wasn't really ever broken as long as you were in it, and you didn't have to notice, you really didn't. I could just look at you, and even though it hurt, I'd feel warmer, safer somehow, as if you gave off a light only for me, even if you didn't know it.

So when I realized you were never really there, and maybe I couldn't love you, then, if I never knew you weren't, or I never knew who you were. That broke my heart, you see, even though she didn't mean to, she just meant to show me the stupid boy we all hated, except she thought he was beautiful, and I could see what she meant, because he shone a little, like another star from your constellation. He was different though, maybe like one of those shooting stars, those green ones that you see around the last days of May, have you ever noticed them?

Anyway, I had a feeling, immediately, that you had, because it was clear that you'd caught him, just the way he looked at you, just the way I had looked at you. Did you notice? You never noticed, not with me, did you. But you must have, with him, you must have, because you looked back, it was unmistakable, the shooting stars that were right there, sparkling somewhere in the green depths of your eyes.

And she said, "See? It's all right, they go together," and then she kissed me, but. There was an empty, dark space behind my ribs somewhere, and everything felt wrong, and hollow, and meaningless. Yours was the meaning, and the future, and the present, and sometimes I'd thought the past was only a reflection of you as well. Still, you were never really there, and even your reflection was skewed and tainted and not your own.

Her lips were dry, and even if I screwed up my eyes really tight, I couldn't pretend she was anyone but an ugly girl, soft and bulky, with that heavy breath that smelled of pumpkin juice and tasted of damp sugar. Her name was strange and yet so familiar, so common, it had been everywhere in my mother's garden, and I never paid much attention. Even though, I couldn't bring myself to pay attention, only wanting to watch as his hand dipped lazily below the waistband of the other's trousers.

"Pansy," I croaked, my voice feeling rusty and useless, but I tried anyway. I pulled away, looking closer at her as her eyes closed in what must've been embarrassment. "Pansy. It's not you. It's not me, I don't think. It's just. I don't know, anymore. I don't know what I want, if I don't want him."

"I understand," she said softly. "I'm the same way."

And we just sat there in the grass, watching the empty space where the stars had fallen.
~~

EDIT - okay, i'll just pretend that didn't suck ><;;